Blog Post #42: Ageism Pt. 1

Unfortunately, this is something that most of us will face as we get older. Our first experience may be when we don’t get hired for the job that we think we’re perfect for, or don’t get the promotion that we’ve been waiting for. Age discrimination is nothing new, especially in our society. American society does not value the elders as do other cultures. Ageism may be the nice kind, for example: being very helpful, calling you dear because you look like “such a nice little old lady.” It may also be the not-nice kind, such as ignoring you, not taking your request seriously, or treating you as if you were invisible. There are a number of ways of dealing with this. All of which really depend on what you want to do. Granted, we need to be more active as a society in trying to make people aware of ageism and trying to change it by passing effective laws that deal with it by being assertive and communicating clearly. To do this, of course, means connecting with the person that you’re dealing with rather than ignoring them or letting your feelings prevent you from dealing with the situation.

To be resilient in these situations, you need to rein in the feelings that you may have. I didn’t say forget them or ignore them, but vent them later. Talk about them later with someone who will listen and understand, or maybe even with the person you’re dealing with if you think they will be receptive. Turn your anger or irritation into assertive behavior. One of the best teachers of this for me was my dear old mother, who died at 96. In her late years, her eyes were failing and often accompanied her to appointments with healthcare providers. She was very clear with them and with me that she was the patient and that they should talk with her and not with me.

If you’re in a wheelchair at any age, you often get ignored. They will talk to the person who is with you and not you. Don’t allow this. Speak up. My mother did this quite masterfully. She often used her age as clout. She would never allow herself to be dismissed until she had her questions answered. I remember her saying to her primary care doctor, who I knew and liked, “Sunny, sit down, I’m not finished. I have some other questions I need for you to answer.” He sat down and listened, and answered the questions. Driving back to her apartment, she commented that he was a very nice physician, but he just needed a little bit more “training.” Indeed, she was right about that. In my practice, I hear patients complain frequently about the six minutes they get with their primary care doctor and the fact that he or she spends four of those making notes on their laptop and two of those writing a new prescription. I am a firm believer that healing is in the relationship and often not in the medications.

If you want to help the medical profession do a better job, give them some feedback. Don’t allow them to dismiss you or discount you. You are the expert on your health and your body. They are working for you. Your healthcare needs to be a partnership. You need to take reasonable responsibility for your part and they for theirs. Give them good attention when you’re with them. Try to make eye contact. Make a list of your concerns before you arrive, and go through them systematically. Don’t allow them to dismiss you until you’ve had your questions answered.

More in the next post.

Ron Breazeale PhD

Clinical Psychologist